


I Love You For Psychological Reasons

by brb_screaming



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Domestic Fluff, F/F, Kleinsen, M/M, Maybe angst, Mostly Fluff, conman, domestic AU, galaxy girls, im proabably gonna take requests, its a, like ill explain in the actual text but read it ok, ok so, sincerely three, the hansens have 2 children and the murphy-becks have 1 foster child, theyre all gay and married shut up, this is my favorite thing in world, zolana
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2018-07-09
Packaged: 2018-12-16 23:52:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11839635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brb_screaming/pseuds/brb_screaming
Summary: Connor loves his husbands with all of his heart.(sincerely three domestic au where they're older and have children)





	1. Lately I've Taken to Vacantly Making Repetitive Movements

**Author's Note:**

> hey!!! so!!! this is my new obsession oof
> 
> basically connor, evan, and jared are all married and have 2 children and this is just little oneshot type thingys that i write when im inspired
> 
> just to clarify:  
> -jared is daddy, connor is dada, and evan is diddy  
> -hazel and william are their children  
> -heidi is gigi, cynthia is grandma, and sophia (jareds mom) is nana

Connor Hansen had washed his hands, put the water on to boil, and then, after searching the fridge, realized that, much to his disappointment, there was no tomato sauce. He checked the cupboard, pried an insistent four year old boy off his leg, turned on a television show, and pulled out his phone, shooting a quick text to Evan and Jared, asking for one of them to please pick up spaghetti sauce on their way home.

“Dada!” he heard a whine from across the room, and turned to see Hazel, his beautiful daughter, standing in the doorframe, wearing a blue fleece blanket as a cape.

“What is it, princess?” He asked, re-tying his apron behind his back.

“What’s for dinner?” she asked, sniffing the air.

“Spaghetti and meat sauce, if your Diddy can snag tomato sauce in time.” Connor said, pulling out his phone and checking his text messages.

“But I don’t like the meat sauce,” she whined, “can’t we have meatballs?”

“Yeah Dada, I want meatballs!” another voice chimed in from the living room, and Connor sighed.

“Not you, too.” He falsely complained, walking into the living room. Evan had texted, saying that Heidi would snag some when she picked him up. Connor had forgotten that Heidi was stepping in for dinner, and made a mental note to set out another place on the dining room table.

“Please?” The brother and sister asked in unison, holding the note out long and high pitched note. Connor sighed, caving slightly.

“Not tonight guys. But I will-” he winked, “- keep that in mind for next time.” Connor gave a light chuckle as the two pouted with false puppy-dog eyes. He ruffled William’s curly hair and walked back to the kitchen, pouring the noodles and a capful of oil into the boiling water. He stirred at the pot, listening to the background noise from an episode of what he assumed was Thomas the Tank Engine.

There was only one week of summer left, and then Hazel would be off to second grade, his commissions would start coming in more steadily, and the house would be quiet with just him and Will for the school year. Connor loved Hazel, loved sketching her, loved painting her nails, loved talking to her, and watching her grow, but there was one thing Connor couldn’t deny: that child was exhausting. The only one that could ever match her energy level was Jared, who loved to play pretend with Hazel when she became too much for Evan or Connor to handle.

A white car pulled up in the driveway, and Connor smiled as Heidi and Evan climbed out. Evan had a Walmart bag in hand, with a container of what Connor hoped was tomato sauce. Evan came up the walkway, holding the door open for Heidi.

Heidi Hansen was one woman who aged beautifully, long gray stripes running through her blonde hair, her laugh lines deepening to wrinkles, her face peacefully serene, worry lines creating permanent creases in her brow. Connor loved Heidi so much, her unending support and wisdom beyond her years. She entered the kitchen, embracing Connor, and he hugged her back, spoon still in hand.

“Hey there Connor. We got your sauce, don’t worry.” Heidi’s pitchy voice was such a comfort to Connor, and he pulled away, kissing her on the cheek.

“Hi love.” Connor pulled Evan into a hug, pecking him on the lips and knocking his hat slightly askew. Evan pulled away, handing him the bag.

“Here’s the pasta sauce. Jared said his meeting ran late, he’ll be home in maybe fifteen minutes.” Evan gave the report and looked down in surprise, seeing both of his children latched to his legs.

“Diddy, look! I can do my handstand almost!” Hazel detached and went straight to the floor, arching her back upwards. Evan swooped down, pulling her back up. Connor smiled, loving his instinctive parenting.

“Not on the kitchen tiles, baby. Show me later?” He asked. Hazel stuck out her bottom lip.

“Pinky promise?” she asked, holding out a hand.

“Pinky promise.” Evan returned softly, locking fingers with the girl. She scampered over to Heidi and hugged her tight. Evan smiled softly and scooped William up with one arm, putting him on his hip. “How’s my big boy doing?”

“Good. We went to the park today and I got a pretty leaf.” He said quietly. Connor remembered the leaf too well, William had run up holding it and tripped, scrawling across the mulch. Connor had abandoned his sketchbook and ran over, helping the boy up and assessing the damage. William’s bottom lip trembled, but after Connor brushed him off, he couldn’t see any damage done, and remarkably, the leaf was unharmed. Connor had pointed it out, and William became so distracted by the “magic leaf” that he had forgotten entirely about his tumble to the ground.

“Can I see it later?” Evan asked softly. William smiled. Connor knew Evan loved the way he could so easily connect with his son, both of their quiet demeanors connecting in a way that didn’t need words. Will nodded, and Evan set him down, turning to see him run up to Heidi, would had seated herself in the rocking chair and had Hazel in her lap.

“-And when your Diddy was little, we went to Disney World for his eighth birthday, he was so excited to meet Mickey Mouse that he cried when we got his autograph, and he kept it hung up on his wall for five years.” Heidi animatedly told the story, and William interjected.

“Five years?! That’s bigger than I am.” William’s eyes were like saucers, and he stared at Evan as he adjusted his hat.

“Older.” Hazel corrected.

“Bigger.” William repeated.

“Nuh-uh.” Hazel deflected

“Yes-huh” Will insisted. Connor didn’t want this to escalate into a full on fight, it would ruin the rest of the evening if he had to redesignate the two respective time out corners. The noodles were almost done, though, and Connor turned away from the pot to toss salad dressing into a Caesar salad. 

“I think that five years is both bigger and older than you.” Heidi simplified. Hazel stuck her tongue out at William, and he returned the action.“Evan used to walk around with his tongue stuck out until someone told him it made him look like a dog.” Both William and Hazel tongues slid back into their mouths, and Evan blushed.

“Gi-gi” Evan complained, smiling and laughing. Heidi was about to speak again when the door opened, cutting her off. 

“I’m home!” Jared called, and Connor craned his neck to see Jared entering, hanging his laptop bag on a hook and pulling off his suit jacket. He walked into the kitchen, hugging Connor and pulling him in for a kiss.

“Your tie is hideous.” Connor said as he pulled away. It was a white number with large polka dots in assorted blues. It was hilariously tacky, and Connor could see why he picked it out.

“You love it.” Jared tried, smirking.

“No, I don’t.” Connor responded with playful disgust.

“You love me.” Jared quipped, the hint of a smile playing on his lips.

“Yes, I do.” Connor responded slowly, kissing Jared again. Jared spun on his heel away from Connor and walked towards Evan, acting like he was swooping in for a kiss but instead stealing the large, wide-brimmed hat that Evan wore with the rest of his park ranger uniform.

“Jare-” he whined, as Jared placed the hat on Hazel’s head, and she looked up at him and smiled.

“Daddy!” she scooted off Heidi’s lap and hugged him tight. Jared spun her up in the air, one of her little hands clenching tightly to the hat. He set her down, squatting to kiss Will on the cheek. 

“Hi there Gigi,” Jared kissed her on the cheek, “When’s dinner, Chef Hansen? Loving the bow, by the way.” He asked, looking at Connor with playful adoration.

“In about five minutes. I’ve got to set out the plates and then we’ll be good. And the bow was Hazel’s idea. She thought it matched my eyes.” He touched his fingers to the turquoise hair piece, and remembered something, cursing internally, “Hazel, could you please lay out another plate for Gigi?” Hazel nodded.

“Sure, Dada.” She replied, Evan’s hat still perched on her head. Connor spooned portions onto the plates and looked around at his family, smiling. He loved them all, William perched on Heidi’s knee, letting out a soft giggle as another story fell from Heidi’s lips, Evan leaving gentle kisses on Jared’s forehead, insisting he’ll “kiss the worry lines away,” and Hazel, still wearing Evan’s overlarge hat, folding Heidi’s napkin into a sloppily intricate origami structure that she probably learned from Jared.

What we loved most, though, is that it was his family, and no one else's, because he couldn’t dream of a life without any of them.


	2. Labor Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's better than a hike and picnic with your own mixed up, patchwork family?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow this is gay
> 
> gentle reminders:  
> shelby - the murphy-beck's foster child  
> hazel and will - the hansen's children
> 
> anyway i love you all and my tumblr in hocksquawks  
> (comments/kudos greatly appreciated!!)

A Labor Day hike had been Heidi’s idea, but Evan was the only one that actually knew where they were going. Connor had organized the picnic and invited Zoe and Alana, who insisted that Shelby come along as well. It wasn’t a long hike, Evan didn’t think, and they were nearing the end, anyway. 

Connor was walking alongside Shelby, probably talking about some art technique that Shelby had read about. Alana and Zoe were talking animatedly with Heidi and Hazel, and Jared was doing his best to keep up with Evan.

“Are we there yet Diddy? My feet hurt.” Hazel complained loudly from behind him. She had left Zoe’s side and was trailing behind the rest of the pack, her mood having done a completely 180 from five minutes ago. Evan turned carefully, still balancing William on his shoulders. She looked up at him with a pushed out bottom lip and big eyes, and Evan sighed.

“Not quite, baby. We’re almost there, and then you can take your shoes off and get in the water.” Evan tried. He bit at his lip. Why hadn’t he known that Hazel would’ve gotten tired? He thought the hike wasn’t that bad, but he should’ve thought about his children’s marginally shorter legs. Oh god, they’re probably exhausted and will be whiny because of the hike Evan chose, and it would be all his fault.

“Honey,” Jared noticed Evan chewing through his lip, “it’s okay. I’m enjoying myself, Alana and Zoe and Shelby are having a ball, and Hazel’s just whining because that’s what seven year olds do. It’s okay.” 

“Diddy, I’m not whining!” William exclaimed from his perch on Evan’s shoulders. Evan smiled and nodded, pulling William’s leg in affirmation. Hazel looked up at him, an idea sparkling in her bright eyes.

“Daddy! Pick me up!” She demanded, forgoing her “hurting” feet to run up to Jared. He laughed.

“Can’t do that Hazel, you’re too big for me.” Jared replied, tapping her nose. She gave him an unamused look and turned away, running to where Connor was walking with Shelby.  
“Dada can you hold me?” She repeated. Connor looked down at her.

“What’s the magic word?” He asked playfully.

“Please?” she held out the last note until Connor nodded and squatted down, allowing Hazel to hop onto his back with ease. Evan smiled at this interaction.

He rounded the corner to reveal a small wading pool, the trees falling back to reveal large rocks and a small waterfall. Evan was surprised that no one else had hiked out to enjoy the day. The forest wasn’t crowded, but there were normally other families out and about, especially on such a beautiful day.

Either way, Evan was still grateful for the solitude and privacy. He stopped and squatted down, allowing Will to clamber off his back and run towards the water. He stood back, allowing the rest of the group to walk past him and onto the rocks. He followed Jared to the largest flat rock, helping lay out the picnic blanket. It was an old wool plaid blanket, and seeing it had brought a smile to Heidi’s face.

“Ev, you still have that blanket?” She asked.

“Of course, mom.” Evan smiled. The blanket had been a graduation gift. It was a family heirloom of sorts, something that had been given to his mother by her grandfather. Only in the Hansen family would an heirloom have such a practical application. Evan loved having it, holding the idea of one day passing it on to his children at the back of his mind.

Zoe and Alana had been in charge of food, and the array did not disappoint. Platter of fruit were unwrapped, a pile of various sandwiches laid out in piles. 

“Admiring the spread?” Zoe asked, her hand intertwined with that of her wife.

“You bet. You guys are amazing, thank you, I don’t think we would have made it out of- out of the house if we had to make the- make the food on top of everything else.” Evan frowned, his stutter more noticeable than usual.

Everyone seemed happy, but Evan was still worried that he had chosen the wrong hike. He forced himself to breathe, looking around at his family.

He watched Zoe tug an only half undressed Alana into the water, both sides giggling as Alana emerged from the water, peeling off her now soaked shirt. Shelby and Heidi were wading in the more shallow water, searching for rocks with Will. Hazel was currently swimming swiftly towards Zoe, Connor keeping a watchful eye on her from his position on a rock that served as an island in the middle of the river. He was already soaked, his loose hair sticking to his forehead and down his neck. He caught Evan staring and cast a goofy grin in his direction, sticking his tongue out before sliding back into the cold water.

Evan sat cross legged on the picnic blanket, looking to his left as Jared settled next to him. He leaned over, pressing a gentle kiss to Evan’s temple.

“Not swimming, love?” He asked, putting his arm around Evan’s back.

“Yeah. I’m not really in the mood.” He muttered.

“What’s on your mind? Something’s bothering you.” Jared pressed on.

“Nothing’s bothering me.” He answered.

“Are you sure? You’re thinking about something.” Jared continued, rubbing up Evan’s side with his hand.

“It’s just- I don’t know- it sounds dumb. It’s like nostalgia, except- except, I don’t miss the past. I just don’t think I would have ever imagined a future like this.” Evan admitted.

“Hmm?” Jared hummed.

“Like, hell, when we were all in high school or something like that, do you think Connor would ever act like this? Would you have ever believed that he would ever just be out and about shirtless, laughing? Would have ever believed that I would be able to function as an adult, nonetheless be happy?”

“I can’t say I that I didn’t imagine Connor shirtless in high school.” Jared responded. Evan snorted, and Jared continued. “But yeah, it’s weird to think back. Do you know how long I pined for you both?”

“Longer than I pined for Connor, but not as long as Alana pined for Zoe?” Evan suggested, the hint of a smile playing on his lips. It was Jared’s turn to laugh.

“Sounds about accurate.” He leaned back, “It’s so weird to look back to college and such. We’ve all changed so much; the only thing that remained constant is that we were all apparently in love with each other. God, I’m so glad that hasn’t changed. I know that you guys call me the unlikely romantic, but I seriously wouldn’t trade a single minute of this for anything.”

“Even the time Connor lit your apartment’s kitchen on fire and almost killed the cat while trying to make you a birthday cake?” 

“Even that time.” Jared chuckled, gazing at Evan lovingly. “Although, that’s mostly why I insist that you do the baking now.” Evan leaned in, kissing his husband softly. It could’ve easily been the hundredth time they had kissed, but it still felt just as real and genuine as the first.

“Hey lovebirds!” A shout from Zoe broke Evan and Jared apart, “Get in the water! We’re gonna teach Hazel and Will how to chicken fight!”

Jared leapt up, dragging Evan up with him. “Not without me, you aren’t!” He slid off his hiking pants, leaving his dorky periodic table t-shirt on and a pair of bright red swim trunks. Evan copied his actions, instead tugging off his shirt.

The pair slid into the water, doggy paddling over to a shallow patch of water. Will was bobbing along contently in his green floaties while Hazel treading water, keep her head just barely out of the water.

“Okay, so in a chicken fight, Hazel and Will, you’re gonna get on the shoulders of an adult and just, like, duke it out. No punching, no scratching, no biting, just pushing. You’re trying to get the other person to fall. Last person standing wins.” Zoe explained. 

“Aunty Zo! I wanna be with you!” Hazel clung to Zoe’s arm. Zoe laughed. “Will, you gonna play? You don’t have to, but it’ll be fun.”

Will nodded. “I wanna be with Dada.” Connor’s face split into a big grin, and he picked Will up out of the water, resting him on his shoulder.

“Oh!” Jared exclaimed. “Pit both pairs of siblings against each other! This is gonna be a good fight!” Zoe and Connor made eye contact, grinning wildly.

The two kids clambered onto the shoulders of Zoe and Connor, locking arms in preparation for battle. Evan made eye contact with Alana, both of them moving behind their spouse in order to catch the kids if they start to fall. Jared stood between the two pairs.

“On your marks, get set… battle!” He yelled, and the group erupted in a pile of splashes and loud laughter.

As it turns out, Connor and Will made a better team than expected, beating Hazel and Zoe just barely in a particular intense third round. Zoe later claimed over sandwiches that it was Connor’s height that has made the difference.

The picnic was, as Alana had promised, delightful. Hazel spilled her juice box on her sandwich, and, much to Shelby’s disgust, continued to eat it. Will got Heidi to give him an extra cookie, and Connor and Shelby took turns sketching everyone in the circle. All in all, Evan didn’t stop smiling for a single second.

The hike back wasn’t too bad, even if Will fell asleep on Heidi’s back. The drive back was bathed in the same soft and quiet euphoria as earlier.

If anything, Evan left feeling more in love than ever before.


	3. Thanksgiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything will be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow 2 updates in 2 days? it must be christmas  
> not exactly, but thats pretty close
> 
> also, this got like 24 kudos in 24 hours so therefore this au is blessed ive decided  
> keep leaving comments and kudos, they brighten my day, and, if youre american, happy thanksgiving!!
> 
> my tumblr is hocksquawks and i love you all

“Will, please. It’s just a polo.” Jared pleaded, holding up the orange shirt. The four year old in front of him screwed up his red face, and Jared braced himself for another ear-shattering scream.

“I don’t wanna!” He wailed, anchoring himself to his bedpost so he couldn’t be pried away. He was already shirtless, that had been the easy part, but, suddenly, something as simple as getting a shirt on was quickly escalating to the third world war.

“Guests are gonna be here in fifteen minutes, Will. You have to have a shirt on by then.” Jared implored, waving the shirt like a flag of near surrender. Will’s face was flushed, tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. 

“No! No, no, no!” he screamed, sliding down the bedpost and beginning to kick at the floor. He was throwing a pretty impressive tantrum, so impressive that Connor, still wearing his apron, poked his head into the room inquisitively. Jared looked up at him, begging for him to intervene.

“Oh, hey there.” Connor spoke to the screaming boy, his voice taking on a different tone than usual. Will stopped his antics to look up at his father suspiciously. “I was just making whipped cream for the pumpkin pie with Diddy, and he was looking for someone to lick the bowl. I was gonna ask Hazel, but…” he trailed of, raising an eyebrow and asking a question without words. Will gave a final snort and stood up.

“I can do it Dada! Let me do it!” he dropped his act immediately, running towards Connor. Connor held a finger up.

“There is one condition to get to lick the bowl: you have to wear a shirt.” He explained. Jared smiled. Of course, bargaining. How had he not thought of that? Will pouted.

“But I don’t wanna put on the orange shirt!” His lower lip trembled, but neither Connor nor Jared fell for his act.

“Okay then, I’ll just go get Hazel instead. She’s a big girl, she has her clothes on.” Connor turned, and Will immediately clung to his leg.

“No Dada, don’t! I can be a big boy, I’ll put my shirt!” He begged. Connor heaved an over exaggerated sigh.

“Alright, fine, I guess you can lick the bowl.” He said. Will smiled brightly, detaching himself from Connor’s leg in order to run back to Jared, who gladly pulled the polo over his son’s head. Will shrugged the shirt on, letting Jared do only one of the impossibly small buttons before he was already back at Connor’s side. Connor laughed and scooped the boy up, putting him on his hip. Jared walked over, pecking his husband on the cheek.

“You’re brilliant.” He said.

“I know.” Connor winked. “It’s just low blood sugar. I’ll feed him a cheese stick, too.”

“I love you.” Jared smiled.

“You’re okay, most of the time.” Connor replied, turning on his heel and walking with Will towards the kitchen. Jared laughed. Connor swore he wasn’t good with children, but, in moments like this, it was always Connor who knew the answers. 

Jared stood and stretched, straightening his red sweater. He went through his mental checklist again: kids dressed, adults dressed, house presentable, table set.

Thanksgiving had always been a fairly important occasion in his household. He had a big family, sure, but it was never really connected. Thanksgiving was often spent with a lot of people, countless cousins and uncles. Even so, Jared never remembered any real arguments; they all got along fairly well. He knew it had been different for Connor, whose mansion-like childhood home was often filled to the brim with assorted friends of friends of family, all with differing opinions on such sensitive topics as politics, education, and how to raise children. On the other hand, Evan’s thanksgivings had always been small, a night of Chinese takeout with his mom, or a night spent at Jared’s house when his mom had to work.

The three had resolved that a small thanksgiving would be the wisest. Jared had extended an invitation to his mother and father, who lived a few hours away, but they had declined, saying that they had already made plans to travel several states over. Connor’s reluctant invitation was met with a similar fate: Cynthia said she might pop in for a few minutes around eight, but she was hosting a rather large dinner party for what seemed like Larry’s entire office.

Evan was the only one who had any success in inviting a parent, Heidi already being a permanent fixture in their house.

Zoe and Alana were coming, too, bringing green beans, stuffing, and mashed potatoes. Heidi was bring cranberry sauce and a pecan pie, and Connor was in the kitchen finishing the turkey and pumpkin pie. All in all, it was perfect.

The front door opening took Jared back into reality, and he exited Will’s room, walking down the hall to greet Zoe, Alana, and Shelby, who had just arrived. Alana was in a soft looking cream sweater, her wife following in a turquoise wool coat. Their foster child, Shelby, followed, wearing thick black leggings and an green skirt with a matching beanie.  
“Welcome, lovely ladies!” Jared proclaimed. Hazel ran into the room, rushing past him and hugging Zoe’s leg tightly.

“Aunty Zo! I almost can do a one handed cartwheel!” she grabbed Zoe’s hand, tugging it across the room, “Come see!” Zoe pulled her hand out, lightly tapping Hazel on the nose.

“One minute, princess. I have to set the mashed potatoes down.” She transferred a large ceramic bowl from her hands to the kitchen island, kissed Alana on the cheek, and followed Hazel out the sliding glass door and into the yard.

“How’s life?” Jared turned to Alana, who was currently arranging the prepared food. She turned to him, pushing her round glasses up on her nose.

“Pretty good! We facetimed my dads this morning, and then went to a thanksgiving craft fair at the church that Zoe teaches music lessons at. Shelby bought a cool necklace.” Alana smiled, putting her arm around the girl in question. The corners of Shelby’s mouth turned upwards at the mention of her name, her adam’s apple bobbing in her throat.

“That sounds peaceful. Will just threw a fit over wearing a shirt, but other than that, we’ve just kind of hung out and cleaned and cooked all day. And Will got over himself pretty quickly thanks to Connor. I swear he’s like a parenting god sometimes.” Jared looked over at Connor, who was currently pulling his hair back into a low bun. He smiled crookedly.

“It was nothing. As a past angry child and a current slightly-less-angry adult, it’s easy to deal with tantrums.” Connor explained, untying his apron and hanging it on a coat hook.

The door opened, and Heidi, clad in a black puffy jacket and a bright red scarf appeared in the Hansen’s small kitchen, bearing the food she had promised to bring. She set them down on a counter, and Jared embraced her. She pulled away, smiling.

“Happy thanksgiving, this food looks fantastic! Where’s my son?” Her voice was light and bubbly, her hair braided back into a loose ponytail.

“He’s out back with the kids and Zoe, starting the bonfire. We’re all headed out there eventually, I was just finishing up preparing the food.” Connor explained, walking towards the sliding glass door. The group followed him out, settling in a circle of chairs around the fire that was now glowing brightly in the pit.

The conversation ebbed and flowed, happy faces all around. Jared learned of Alana’s promotion, and was sworn to secrecy, as she wouldn’t take the position until January. The group watched as Zoe attempted a cartwheel with Hazel and nearly made it- except she ended up busting her butt instead of landing.

“The leaves were slippery!” She said defensively, rubbing her back and settling in a chair in between Alana and Shelby. 

“So, Zoe,” Connor addressed his sister. “When are you signing the papers for Shelby?”

“Soon. We have to get a few things approved, but then she’ll be good to go!” Zoe explained.

“Are you changing your name, Shelbs?” Heidi asked, using a nickname that the group had adopted for her.

“Yup, both of them!” The girl suddenly lit up. “I can kiss ‘David Shelby Nelson’ goodbye; I can finally be ‘Shelby Nelson Murphy-Beck.’ It has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?” She smiled at Alana and Zoe.

Jared smiled. He remembered when she had first come out. A timid kid, barely twelve, tossed through a countless number of foster homes. Alana and Zoe had been discouraged from taking her in, but had done so anyway. The social service worker was convinced that Shelby was some sort of awful child, and, while Shelby had her moments, Alana hadn’t believed that the worker was telling the truth. Only when she had walked in on Shelby trying on their wardrobe had the secret been let out. According to Zoe, both parties were a teary mess by the end of the whole discussion. If anything, Jared had delighted in watching Shelby gain confidence from his nearly a year of knowing her.

Evan stood up from his chair, checking his watch.

“Hey guys, I think it’s time for dinner. Kids, come along with me, you guys can get your plates first. Adults, you can follow after.” He explained. Jared watch as Hazel sprung up from Zoe’s lap (Hazel’s favoritism of him was second to none - except for Zoe Murphy-Beck), and followed Will into the house. Shelby dog-eared a page in her book, standing to follow. 

Soon after, nearly everyone had their food and was seated around the table, waiting for permission to begin. Will was eyeing the basket of bread with longing, and Jared figured he had better hurry up this traditional ceremony before his four year old lost interest in his family.

“Okay, everyone. Since, uh, it’s thanksgiving and all, we’re going to go around the table and say one thing that we’re thankful for. I’ll go first.” He lifted his glass. “I’m thankful for my children, even when they’re a pain in the as-” he caught himself “pain in the butt.” He motioned to Connor, who was on his right.

“Well, I’m thankful for the amount of love in my heart. I didn’t think it would ever come this near to overflowing. Thank you all.” Connor said.

“I’m thankful for this food and this family.” Evan said.

“I’m thankful for my child and grandchildren.” Heidi said.

“I’m thankful for my happiness.” Alana said.

“I’m thankful for my wife.” Zoe said, eyeing Alana with a sweet sparkle in her eyes.

“I’m thankful for being able to be part of this family. Honestly, I don’t remember the last time I sat down for a thanksgiving dinner.” Shelby said.

“I’m thankful for Aunty Zo! And Aunty Lana, and Diddy, and Dada, and Daddy, and Gigi, and Nana, and Grandma and Grandpa, and Will when he’s not a buttface, and Shelby, and ballet, and books, and NASA, and the planets, and the entire world, and-” Heidi interrupted Hazel’s growing list.

“I think we get it, you’re thankful for everything.” She said. Hazel blushed and nodded vigorously.

“Yes. Everything.”

“Bread.” Will said. The table erupted into giggles.

“Just bread?” Jared asked.

“Yes, just bread.” Will repeated, and reached for a roll.

“Cheers!” The group said in unison, clinking glasses.

Cheers, Jared agreed. And to many more a year like this.


	4. angst part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was just any old day. Dinner wasn't anywhere near ready, and Hazel was at a rehearsal for her dance recital. Jared was at work. And suddenly, in a split second, any old day can turn into a pivot, leap, and crash landing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part one!  
> tw for angst and car accidents   
> oops dont kill me  
> dont worry theres like 3000 more words coming this has just been sitting in my docs for w e e ks

“I swear, Will spent the entire day in the tree house today.” Connor smiled, adjusting the phone precariously balanced on his shoulder and the boy wrapped tightly around his hip, who was happily giggling as Connor tried to work through a recent commission. “It's funny how much he loves the outdoors, he's just like you.”

He heard Evan laugh, the sound crackling through the phone and tugging a smile at the corners of his mouth. “Listen Con- I uh, traffic’s pretty- pretty backed up. I'm gonna hang up, but- but I'll be home soon. I love you.”

Connor knew that Evan hated talking on the phone while driving. He was currently driving Hazel back from a dress rehearsal from her dance studio, and Jared was being held late in a meeting. As far as Connor knew, he and Will were alone in the house until the evening. He smiled sadly at no one in particular, missing both his husbands despite their limited absence.

“I love you, too.” Connor smiled. “See you in a bit. Tell Hazel I'm proud of our shining star.”

“Will do.” Evan sounded stressed, even from over the phone. “See you, Connor.” As the line went dead, Connor's brow furrowed. Something didn't feel right about this afternoon, something wasn't aligned correctly. He bit his lip, setting his brush down and cracking the window, letting a line of chilly winter air slowly replace the ever increasing aroma of turpentine. He set Will down, ruffling his curls with a smile. 

“Hey, Will, how about some tv?” He asked. The boy grinned wildly.

“Only if I can watch Dinosaur Train.” He said with a false sense of superiority. Connor laughed.

“Anything for you.” Connor replied, leading the boy back into the living room, paint smeared across his forehead and splattered through his hair as Will raced ahead of him, the gentle pitter patter of his small feet laying a tempo for Connor's chuckles. 

...

Hazel looked down at her legs, the tights that were a required part of her costume covering the freckles that she knew were scattered across them. She pinched the fabric, pulling it up off of her leg and watched intently as the stretchy fit twisted, leaving a small peak where her fingernails had been. 

“How was your performance?” She looked up from her fascinating exploration of her dance tights to hear her diddy ask a question.

“It's not the performance yet, Diddy.” Hazel replied cheekily, rolling her eyes and kicking her legs against her plastic car seat. She looked out the windows at the passing cars and the sun that was setting in the cold, clear sky.

“You know what I mean, silly goose.” Diddy laughed, his voice seeming more stressed than usual. She had noticed that, that her Diddy got nervous really easily.

“It was good. Miss Chloe moved me to the middle, ‘cause she said she needed ‘strong dancers.’ Am I a strong dancer, Diddy?” Hazel asked. She wondered if she could ever be a dancer when she grew up, even if she already wanted to be an astronaut and a book writer.

She looked at her Diddy, straining forward in her car seat to make out his side features. His brow was creased like the paper box she had made today in art. He seemed lost in thought, fingernails digging into the wheel and his lip sucked into his mouth.

“Diddy?” She repeated, looking to him in concern. She wondered if he was okay, because he usually answered her questions right away. He seemed surprised by her words, blinking and snapping out of his haze.

“What, sweets?” He asked. “I’m sorry, this traffic is stressing me out. We’ll be home soon, and then I can give you all the answers you want,” He said, eyes still dead set on the road. Hazel nodded slowly, leaning back in her car seat and looking out towards the road, watching as a stoplight turned green, and feeling the car accelerate. 

A loud squeal of tires ripped through the air suddenly, and Hazel jumped in her seat as the loud noise filled her ears, whipping her head to look in the direction of the noise, heart stopping in her chest as she looked the driver of another car, dead in the eyes. Cold, instinctive fear filled her heart, adrenaline rushing through her veins.

It all felt like it was happening in slow motion. The front of the other car wrinkled like ripples in a pond as the horrid sound of metal against metal filled her ear little by little, and then all at once. She wanted to scream, wanted to yell and yell until it stopped, until everything froze and was no more.

Even watching her leg get trapped between the seat and the door, watching it be swallowed by the metal, left her unable to move. It hurt, hurt beyond belief, and she was sure she would have screamed if the noise wasn’t inexplicably caught in her throat.

The car swung sideways, hitting something on the other side as it seemed unable to stop. The car jolted, swinging Hazel's head to the side as it hit against something, knocking her eyes around in their sockets as she took one final look out towards her Diddy, wanting to cry for help, but not knowing how to.

...

Evan, too, watched it happen, watching the revolting shatter of glass across his window, felt it fall into his lap as the car shifted. He stayed frozen, unable to move, unable to truly comprehend what was happening until the collision reached a deadly still. And, suddenly, everything kicked right back into gear in Evan’s mind.

“Hazel?” He turned back in his seat, ignoring the bruises he was sure were blooming on his arms, and the cuts leaking blood. When she didn’t respond, he looked to her frantically, repeating “Hazel!” His heart pounded in his chest as he frantically tried to unbuckle his seat belt. His hands were shaking like no other as he carefully wove his way back, looking at the lifeless girl in desperation. 

He bit his lip as he took her hands, the delicate purple nail polish chipping off in large quantities. They seemed so small, so vulnerable rested in his, and he delicately kissed her hand, like she was the queen of a kingdom far, far away.

“It’s okay- b-b-b-baby.” He forced himself to breathe, talking to her even if she continued to make no response. “I’m gonna-gonna- gonna get you out of- of here.” He stuttered through his words, fumbling for his phone in his pocket, desperately feeling up her neck for a pulse as her head lolled to the side. He wouldn’t let himself cry. Not right now. He dialed shakily, holding the phone to his ear and forcing himself to take deep breaths. The acrid smell of burning rubber and god knows what else filled his nose as the phone rang once, and then picked up.

“911, what's your emergency?” A man’s calm voice sounded through the phone, and Evan’s lip trembled as he tried to pull the words to his lips.

“I-I- There- there was- was an ac-c-cident-” He stuttered out, struggling to hold the phone to his mouth.

“What kind?” The operator asked.

“C-Car. It- it collided with-with the side- with the side of my c-c-car and- and my daughter-” He was struggling for air, tears beginning to form in the corners of his eyes. He felt incredibly lightheaded, forcing himself to clear his thoughts and focus on the phone, on Hazel.

“Where?” The operator continued, and Evan frantically scanned the road for a street sign.

“C-c-corner of- of Baker and Delphia.” He said, not able to take his eyes off Hazel.

“Help is on its way. Please stay on the line.” The man said, letting silence envelop the car. Evan set the phone down, heart beating in his chest as he carefully unbuckled Hazel, trying to pull her out her seat. He noticed her leg was stuck between the car and the seat, his eyes widening in fear. 

He shifted over, pushing her car seat out of the way. He moved her into his lap, holding her close to his chest. She was limp like a rag doll, head lolling. He supported her neck, holding her like a baby and finally letting the tears had been suppressing come. In short gasps, they bubbled to the surface, streaming down his face and onto his daughter. His Hazel. His beautiful little girl, who was seven years old and already the queen of her own little world. She filled so much of his heart, made his life so full of joy. He held her, hoping she would wake up, praying she would. He presumed she had hit her head, wondered if she’d hurt her neck.

In the five short minutes that it took for the paramedics to arrive, Evan Hansen felt an eternity pass. In his completely wrecked car, the only thing that mattered was his daughter, his tears dampening her hair, as he held her as close as he could. A million thoughts swirled in his head, fluttering down to his conscious.

What if Hazel was dead? Evan couldn’t bear to think it, didn’t want to even believe it as a possibility. He refused to let it be, refused to let that happen to his darling baby girl. In her ridiculous dance costume, leg trapped and probably broken, he held her. His heart beat against her tiny chest, as if the tempo of the blood in his veins could somehow wake her up again. He was cold, clammy even, feeling incredibly faint, but there was enough adrenaline in his veins to keep him tethered to the earth, tethered to his daughter.

The sound of screeching sirens filled the air as the first responders arrived on the scene. Evan refused to look up, not wanting to take his eyes away from Hazel. Even when the fireman pried the door off its hinges, He shied away from their touch, keeping Hazel in his arms.

“Sir, we need to get you out of here.” A fire woman gently extended her hand towards Evan. He didn’t respond. He had forgotten how to. He turned, spots swimming in front of his eyes. He looked into the fireman's deep brown eyes, opening his mouth to speaking, but no words coming. She turned away from him, calling out the car.

“He’s going into shock,” she murmured, “I need paramedics in here now!” She yelled, gently trying to pry Evan away from Hazel. He tried to fight her, stay with Hazel, but his arms couldn’t do it as her arms hooked underneath his torso, pulling him out of the car. He tried to stand, his knees turning to jelly as his vision faded, feeling himself topple over like a broken roman statue and hit the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> are you crying yet lol  
> hmu on tumblr hocksquawks

**Author's Note:**

> i hope this makes sense ksjffasdgb 
> 
> come bother me on tumblr im @hocksquawks
> 
> (ps the title is a tmbg song that fits really well)  
> (pps i also thrive off your comments blease bless me)


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